I thought that I would share some of the feedback I often get as a matchmaker in terms of what people want to have in a future partner. Here are the comments I hear most often.
What they don’t want:
A partner who “jumps the gun” on a relationship. If your boyfriend or girlfriend proclaimed his or her undying love for you on the first date, chances are they’re not right for you. This isn’t flattering; it’s creepy. If this person thinks he “knows” you after just a few hours, or even just a few dates, then he’s not interested in the real you. He’s just interested in having somebody. This person might turn out to be a stalker or worse. You’re better off alone than with someone who wants to be intimate too soon.
A partner who’s only looking for someone who looks like a model. I know that we all have our “dream man” or “perfect woman” pictured in our head. “He must be over six feet five and have a full head of hair.” “She must weigh 110 pounds and have a 36D chest.” But if this is your criteria for a “soul mate,” I have news for you: you’re not likely to find the love of your life! And, conversely, do you really want to be with someone who finds you sexy but could care less about the person inside? Looks are fleeting. Seek a soul mate who is beautiful under the skin. You never know what package your soul mate is going to arrive in. Be flexible, and you just might be pleasantly surprised.
A partner I’d be ashamed to take home to my family. If someone is truly your soul mate, he or she is going to be around for a long time. Presumably, you want to be with someone who would fit in well with your family and friends . . . someone you’d be proud to take home to Mom and Dad. Don’t date a man who wants you to dress like a porn star. He’s not seeing you as “wife material” or the mother of his future children. And guys, if you’re truly looking for your soul mate, don’t date someone you’d be ashamed to bring home to your parents.
A partner who’s inconsiderate of others. A person who treats other people poorly, such as waiters and service people, has a poor character. Chances are, he or she will treat you just as badly down the road. Judge a potential partner by how he or she treats others. Never settle for someone who’s rude or inconsiderate of others’ feelings.
A partner who sees me as a sperm bank or a uterus. If you are desperate to have a baby—and, yes, this applies to some men, too—you can’t let this affect your search for a partner. Don’t settle for someone who’s less than a soul mate just because your biological clock is ticking. And if your potential mate brings up the subject of having children with you before you’ve even had your second date, be wary of being used as a sperm bank or baby carrier.
A partner with bad manners and/or hygiene. A true soul mate will have your feelings in mind. He or she won’t offend you with bad manners or poor hygiene. If he spends every meal on his cell phone, avoiding conversation with you, get rid of him. (If he’s a doctor or single parent and gets an emergency call, give him some slack, of course!) If your potential soul mate always meets you in a T-shirt and flip-flops, and doesn’t bother to brush her teeth, then she doesn’t care about your feelings. If he burps and farts at the dinner table, and picks his teeth with a matchbook, he’s not for you. Your soul mate will want to show you his or her “best side” even beyond the first few dates.
A partner who sees me as a piggybank. Does your partner value you only for what you are willing or able to provide monetarily? Does your girlfriend sound like Vanessa, a beautiful woman who uses matchmaking agency’s to get dates? Every single man who gave feedback about how his date went with Vanessa said the same thing: “She sure is high-maintenance!” Evidently, Vanessa barely has her back side in the chair before she explains to her date that she only flies first-class, loves diamonds, would love to stop working and just lie on the beach with a piña colada all day, and she wouldn’t consider getting engaged unless she had a ten-karat yellow diamond with baguettes on either side from Harry Winston! She may be the most beautiful woman on the planet, but if you’re looking for a true partner, find someone who wants you for yourself, not for what you have in the bank.
A partner who’s “full of him/herself.” Self-confidence is attractive; boastfulness is not. Men who brag about how much money they make, their six-pack abs or their brand-new Ferrari aren’t soul-mate material. This “macho talk” means he’s more interested in himself than in you. And it works both ways. Men are turned off by women who are always talking about their looks, their taste for expensive jewelry, or their manicures. Look for a partner who’s modest about his or her appearance and accomplishments.
A partner who’s “high-maintenance” or needy. Never settle for a partner who relies solely on you for entertainment. An attractive soul mate is independent, not joined to you at the hip. He or she should have his or her own interests. When I ask my male clients if they care what kind of job a woman has, 95 percent of the time they will answer, “I don’t care what she does as long as she has a job and it is something that she enjoys or is passionate about.” He doesn’t want the pressure of knowing that she is just waiting for him to finish work or whatever he is doing so he can get home to entertain her. A certain degree of independence makes for a balanced and healthy relationship.
A partner who talks about his/her ex all the time. It is a real turn-off to both men and women to hear stories or complaints about the person’s ex. You want to become involved with someone who is over the past and ready for a new relationship. I get feedback so often from both men and women about their date going on and on about their ex. And often it is extremely negative. Put the past in the past and focus on the person in front of you.
Now that you know what most people are not looking for in a soul mate, a person with these qualities is definitely soul-mate material!
A partner who really listens to me. Listening shows someone is truly interested in you. It’s really that simple. Listening indicates respect and appreciation for the other person. Many women tell me that the biggest turn-on is a guy who knows how to listen. And, in fact, women say that the number-one reason they start seeing someone else, or if married, have an extramarital affair, is because the other man was a willing listener (and her guy wasn’t!). And, by the way, listening is an active pursuit. Seek out a partner who really hears what you are saying, who asks a question now and again that shows he or she understands and wants to hear more.
A partner who’s intelligent. We must absolutely keep ourselves abreast of what is going on in the world. I can’t tell you how many times a gentleman has mentioned to me that he is looking for a lady who is intelligent and can hold a stimulating conversation. A man wants to know that a woman can hold her own if he takes her to a business affair. And a woman feels more secure when she knows her man is intelligent enough to make his way in the world. You and your partner should be evenly matched when it comes to intelligence. You’ll never be bored living with someone who’s always learning and discovering!
A partner who cares about his/her appearance. When couples get divorced, one of the biggest complaints that men have is that their wives stop keeping up their appearance. Chances are, if your partner gets sloppy about his or her appearance, he or she will be sloppy in other areas of life, as well. Look for someone who makes the effort to attract you even after you’ve been together a long time.
A partner who satisfies me sexually. Sex is extremely important to a vital relationship. If a partner isn’t being satisfied sexually, he or she will look elsewhere. Even if you’re tired or “not in the mood,” make the effort. You’ll soon find yourself “getting into it” and won’t regret the closeness you’ll share with your mate afterward. Seek a soul mate who’s compatible with you in bed.
A partner who shares my interests. There is a popular saying that “opposites attract,” but it is important to share some interests, especially in areas like recreational and social activities. If he and his friends are big on backyard BBQs or tailgating for sports activities, and you’d rather spend the day at the mall, you’re going to grow farther and farther apart when football season rolls around. I’m not saying that you must have everything in common, but your partner and you should at least be willing to compromise. For example, I’m not into sports at all, but I went to the World Cup (soccer) in Germany with my husband in July 2006, and actually cheered for his teams. He was ecstatic! Just the fact that I was willing to spend time with him doing what he likes really won his heart. Look for someone who’s willing to do the same for you.
A partner who is romantic and affectionate. One of the ways to feel “emotionally” connected to your lover is through touch. Handholding, for example, makes women feel loved and desired. If you grab your partner’s hand on the sidewalk, and he hisses, “No PDA!” (public displays of affection), he’s not for you. Of course, you don’t need someone who is so affectionate in public that bystanders want to shout, “Get a room!” but little displays of romance—cheek kisses, handholding, or a touch on the small of her back—are important in a relationship.
A partner with a stable career. A successful career means “safety” and “security,” especially for women who are seeking a soul mate. Money means many things to women: the luxury of being able to take time away from her own work or career when meeting the demands of raising a family; the security of providing for elderly parents; the security of a comfortable and safe retirement when elderly herself. It is important to be forward-thinking and prepared for the future. Seek out a partner who is financially stable. You don’t want to give up your dreams of having a family, a nice home and the things that go along with having a comfortable lifestyle because you’ve settled for someone who hasn’t quite gotten himself “together” yet.
A partner with a great sense of humor. Spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you laugh! Your soul mate doesn’t have to be Robin Williams and put on a stand-up act, but being able to see the funny side of life and not be so serious goes a long way toward future happiness. Seek out someone who will make life’s journey a pleasant one. If a partner is always tense and fails to laugh when things go wrong, as they inevitably will, it sucks the joy out of life and destroys the pleasure of being in a relationship.
A partner who does his or her fair share. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being your partner’s maid or butler? Early on in a relationship, you might love doing your man’s laundry or washing your girl’s car. But if you find yourself doing it all, while he or she expects more and more, the resentment will start to boil and eat away at the relationship. Look for a partner who does his or her fair share. When Katherine gets home late from the office, exhausted and hungry, she knows she’s not going to have to spend another hour preparing dinner for her family. Her husband, Frank, who has a more predictable work schedule, often has dinner cooking in the oven when Katherine walks in the door. Sometimes he’s even got a load of laundry running at the same time! Katherine loves that Frank is willing to do his fair share around the house—especially since she has a busy career of her own—and he doesn’t refer to household chores as “women’s work.” Frank’s attitude about housework is just one of the qualities that convinced Katherine he was her “soul mate.”
A partner who has a good attitude. Seek out a partner who has an easygoing attitude. Avoid someone who nags, is inflexible, or is always complaining. If you can never seem to please your partner, no matter how hard you try, you’re going to have a miserable existence—and low self-esteem. Find someone who doesn’t fill the house with tension and anger, someone who can “go with the flow” when things go wrong—as they inevitably will. Look for someone who’s emotionally mature. If you’re always walking on eggshells around your partner, you’ll soon be in constant pain.
What qualities are most important to you?
