The other day me and my partners, Fredly, Carolyn from The Dating Source were enjoying a glass of wine at happy hour, and of course, the topic of conversation was dating. So often we hear that singles feel that their date is exuding an energy of desperation. Instead of just going out and enjoying the dating process, the pressure of finding Mr. or MS. Right can be so stressful. I thought I would share my thoughts on the subject from my book, Excuse Me, Your Soul Mate Is Waiting.
Chances are you are like a lot of people who believe that you need to work really hard at finding your soul mate. You scan the room when you are out in a club, party, restaurant, the gym, or wherever there might be some eligible men or women. You ask friends if they know of anyone. You put your photo up on various web sites. You go to mixers and singles parties. Seriously searching for a partner is like having a second job!
If you choose to go to one of the online dating sites, for example, you can spend a lot of time reading the profiles sent to you and weeding out those that might actually have some interest to you. Then you have to write each person back and forth. That’s most likely followed by a lot of time talking on the phone. Finally, you get excited about someone and decide to meet—only to find out that her online photo is a million years old (or isn’t even hers)! Or he forgot to mention that he is not actually divorced yet. Or she neglected to tell you about the three kids she has under the age of five. It’s not only time-consuming, but it’s exhausting! I feel worn out just thinking about all the energy I used to put into “looking” and thinking about how I was going to meet Mr. Right.
So I’m about to lift a weight off your shoulders because I am suggesting here and now that you stop searching for your soul mate. That’s right, you no longer have to hope he will show up at the next event that you go to. And you don’t have to worry anymore if she’s in front of you in line at the supermarket. I’m going to show you how to attract him or her to you instead! When you are doing your inner work, your soul mate will just come to you. It will feel effortless and magical when your soul mate shows up one day on the bus or in spin class. You might be thinking, “wow, this is too good to be true, Prince Charming is just going to show up on my doorstep?” Well, no he is not. You still have to be out living your life, you can’t cloister yourself in your apartment like a nun. Go out and have fun, accept invitations, you need to be out in the world to meet the right person, but the difference is that when you are out doing things, it is not with the mind set of finding “the one” it is with the mind set of having a great time, learning something new, or having a new experience. That is when you will “magically” meet the right person.
Why “Looking” May Be the Equivalent of Losing
Here is an example of how “looking” can get you into trouble. You have probably heard that going to a bar or a nightclub isn’t the best place to meet someone. But a bar or a nightclub could be the wrong place, or the right place, depending on who shows up on any given night. The point I am trying to make is that there is no “right place” or “wrong place.” Your success has nothing to do with the place, but rather with the fact that you are “looking.” Whenever you go out “looking,” whether it’s in a bar or a grocery store or a singles mixer, chances are you will become disappointed and discouraged. This “desperately trying to make it happen” thinking, or the “this will be the night that I meet him” approach, actually has the opposite effect.
I have a single girlfriend named Gina. Whenever we go out for a drink, instead of having a relaxing time and enjoying my devastatingly fascinating conversation, her head is twisting around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist all night long, trying to see who’s there or if anyone new has come in the door. She actually misses the entire evening because she is so engrossed in looking around to see if her “soul mate” has shown up yet. This is simply no way to live your life, display confidence to the opposite sex, or enjoy the company you are with.
Another gal, Sherina, called me one afternoon to tell me there was an international singles mix-and-mingle event going on that evening at a local French restaurant. She wanted to know if I would join her since it might be good for me business wise. I told her that I was tired, but she convinced me to meet her there. When I arrived, I saw her standing near the bar with a glass of wine in her hand, chatting with a gentleman. I approached and said, “Hello” She immediately glanced around and told me. “Maybe you don’t want to stay. There really isn’t anything going on here. No one interesting has shown up.” I said, “Well, that may be true, but you and I could have a drink together. I haven’t seen you in awhile.” She replied, “Well, we could, but you know, I have to mingle.” I was flabbergasted! I looked at her and said, “You do that! Go mingle. I’m going home!”
Please remember that others can see right through it if you are acting desperate to meet someone. Be a classy person! Prove to the people you meet that you are someone capable of enjoying your friends and whatever is happening in this instant. Let people see that you are just out living your life with no ulterior motive. Then you may be pleasantly surprised at what happens. Plus, you will be much more likely to meet and attract high-quality people who know how to treat others with kindness and respect because you do.
And the same idea applies if you are using a matchmaking service or doing online dating to meet someone special. You don’t need to treat each date with an expectation or desperate wish that this person is “the one.” If you go only expecting to meet a new person and enjoy his or her company, you take the pressure off and avoid disappointment if there is no love connection. Who knows, you could end up making a new friend or business contact, or maybe this guy will turn out to be a good match for one of your girlfriends. Stay cool, be sweet and have FUN!!
Feel the Energy
So, how can you move out of the “looking” mode and shift into the “attracting” mode to find your soul mate? If I had known twenty years ago about using my feelings to attract what I want into my life, I would have saved myself from a whole lot of grief! I used to constantly try to “make it happen.” There is a song that we sing at my church called “I Release and I Let Go.” I love that song. The lyrics go like this, “I release and I let go, I let the spirit run my life, and my heart is open wide, yes, I’m only here for God. No more trouble, no more strife, with my faith I see the light, I am free in the spirit, yes, I’m only here for God.” It reminds me that I can give up all of my worries, tension, or “obstacles” to the universe. All I have to do is my part by following the basic steps of the law of attraction.
• Identify what I DON’T WANT
• From that, identify what I DO WANT
• Getting into the feeling place of what I want
• Expect, listen and allow it to happen
As you can see, I am encouraging you to get into the feeling place of what you want and allow it to happen. It’s not hard . . . just feel the energy! Energy is creation. With your passionate energy feelings about what you do want, you are going to attract what you desire. What you think about expands. And when you add positive feeling to the mix, you give your thoughts the power to attract anything that you put your intention on. You might be wondering, “Hey, how in the heck am I supposed to feel passionate about something that I don’t even have?” Simple, learn to raise your vibration on a daily basis by appreciating what you do have. Get into the “passion” zone every day just by appreciating the wonderful world around you.
On my daily morning walk I am always amazed at the gorgeous flowers and plants that I see. Where did they come from? How on earth is it possible for a tiny seed to turn into a gorgeous flower with multiple colors? Where did the color come from? Where did the smell come from? There are flowers in my neighborhood that are purple and feel like velvet. There are others that are red and feel hard and waxy. What makes one feel like velvet and another waxy? How in the heck did that happen? I look at the hummingbirds, squirrels, the beautiful sky above me, and my energy just rises and bursts out of me. When you eat your favorite food, or hear a piece of beautiful moving music, or someone smiles at you, it puts you right into the passion of life!
Here are 3 of my top things to be grateful for!
1. I’m grateful for my wonderful partners at The Dating Source. They make my job so much fun, and bring a sense of magic to matchmaking. We have so much fun that it doesn’t feel like work at all.
2. I am grateful for my husband, Adolfo. He is not only my life partner and lover, but my gardener, poolman, handyman and computer geek. I don’t know how I would function without him!
3. I am grateful for my dog Macie. She gives me unconditional love and makes me smile all day long!
What Are You Grateful For? What Makes You Passionate?